6 for 6

So, I often think my posts are all so negative. I try not to write about negative thins. I mean who really wants to read that. But, then again who wants to live that so here is my outlet for all those negative feelings I have. If you don't wish to read than stop here because this one is negative. I absolutely can't stand working anymore. I hate my job. As I write this from my work laptop sitting at a desk at work. Please, fire me. Well, not really my family needs the money! But, seriously I told my sister last week that I think we should open a funeral home so I don't have to deal with people. And, I really mean it. I now drive from school to school thinking I would rather be planning a funeral. How sad is that? I basically need a drink (yes, I said need) when I get home every afternoon just to keep it all together. I have cried everyday since last Monday at some point while driving in my car until today when I broke down inside one of my schools. I honestly can not get a grip on this. I am not sure why. I have not hated work more in my life even the day I left my oldest at daycare for the first time. Or the day I found out my daycare providers husband had been charged with child molestation. How sad I was to think that my son spent 2 years in that house and I will never know if that man did anything to him because he was too young to tell me. I am more sick now about going to work than I was back then. There is going to be a secretarial opening at my kids school soon and I want to leave my job at take that. I need to be with them, near them and away from this place. I used to love my work! I loved the job I have the impact that I made on kids lives. But, I no longer feel that way. I now longer think it makes any difference and I no longer care if it does. I have been beat down by my employer over budget cuts and stupid reorganizations that I have to clean up after and I no longer have the energy left to fight a good fight. And honestly, I could care less. I could care less if next year I get destaffed, because quite frankly I don't know that I will make it in this job until next year and if I do I don't know what kind of person is going to be left at the end. I have no tolerance for anyone and really I think that at some point it is going to impact my teaching. And that is really sad. I basically believe that my employer does not value my job and so I don't value my employer. I have absolutely no loyalty. We are told to put on a good face and put forth a good and positive attitude. And I do, but it takes its toll and now by the third week of school, I am beat down! Just plain beat down!